'I do not feel I'm a proper woman.' This is often said by women who are depressed. What do they mean by it? As we grow up we take in ideas about what women should be from television, books, our teachers and our parents, to name but a few sources. We may try to accept these images or to reject them but either way they influence our feelings about ourselves.

Our relationship with such images can be quite contradictory. Most women have conflicting feelings about, for example, the different images of female beauty. There are now various new stereotypes to contend with: the 'liberated woman', the 'divorcee', the 'dyke', the 'lesbian couple', the 'single parent'. At times we can accept these images, or try to create our own versions. But sometimes the media produce stereotypes so distorted, that we can only reject them as having nothing to do with our own reality. In our discussion of images in this chapter we have ignored much of the complexities. We have chosen just some of the traditional stereotypes in order to bring out the connections between women's vulnerability to depression and the ways women are expected to feel or behave.

The Feminine

To be feminine in our culture is to be dependent, passive and submissive; to be silly and sweet and concerned with clothes and appearance; to be emotional, excitable and cry a lot. These are some of the stereotypes of femininity.

In a classic research study in 1970, Inga Broverman and her colleagues investigated the sort of stereotypes which psychotherapists have as to what it is to be a mature, socially-competent, healthy person in our culture. The results of this study showed that the psychotherapists rated the healthy female as showing more stereotypically feminine traits than the healthy male. The healthy female was rated as being more concerned about appearance, more expressive of emotions, less independent, more passive, and so on.

The most, interesting result came from asking the psychotherapists to describe the 'healthy, mature, socially-competent adult', no sex specified, who turned out to be described in ways that were identical to the 'healthy adult male'. In other words the masculine qualities seem to be generally seen as being healthy and the feminine qualities as much less so. This implies that to be typically feminine means being seen as potentially less mature and healthy as a person. But at the same time women who display the more 'masculine' traits, who are competitive, ambitious and adventurous, who are less interested in their own appearance, lay themselves open to the accusation that they are not 'feminine' or not 'real women'. This is a 'double-bind': a situation in which you are being given two conflicting messages at the same time. You cannot be a healthy adult and a healthy woman, according to these ideas of mental health. It is no wonder that women get confused by different stereotypes of how they should be, particularly as some seem to prescribe an inability to cope.

Naomi Selig has described how such stereotypes enable a dominant group to keep a subordinate group in their place. Certain personality characteristics are assigned to subordinates which confirm the dominants' belief that they, the dominants, are 'better' in some way. When people in subordinate groups take in these values, they feel ill at ease with themselves, without knowing the reason why.

'As long as women are told and continue to believe that the reason they are miserable is because they are 'neurotic', 'hysterical' etc., they will continue to feel individually maladjusted... An example of a similar phenomenon which took place recently was a conversation I had with a person I know. I explained that though not at all religious I still felt and identified myself as a Jew. This person told me I was mistaken because Jews are mean and she liked me. She then rationalised this by saying that maybe I was an exceptional Jew. The logical implication of what she was saying was that I was either identifying with a mean, unscrupulous group of people or I was not really a proper Jew. But I was not anything else either. If I were to believe her, the net result for me would be conflict, confusion and alienation.'

Perhaps the most damaging aspect of the idea of femininity is the pressure to be nice all the time. As women we are not supposed to be angry. We believe that we can only be loved, if we are continually placating, pleasant and compliant. All the images of angry women are very derogatory ones. An angry woman is seen as a witch, a bitch, a shrew or a vixen, whereas an angry man is considered to be showing admirable strength. One theory of depression suggests that it results from the suppression of aggressive feelings. Instead of being angry with others we turn our anger on ourselves. This leads to an attack on our own sense of worth and so to depression.

If women do allow themselves to be angry they often suffer from feeling they are not as they should be.

'I was very angry with my parents as a teenager. Although I could talk about it with my friends, I felt that I was very different from them - that they weren't having the same feelings. So that made me think 'Well, am I normal to feel like this?' and I went through a whole period of thinking: 'Am I mad? If other people don't experience this there must be something wrong with me.' I think that's why I felt depressed - because I did feel so different.' Theresa

This illustrates the way in which images of femininity can be oppressive. If we conform to them, our ability to be ourselves is damaged. If we do not conform, we feel inadequate or peculiar.

To be feminine is to be passive. To be passive is not to take initiative, not to act for oneself. Girls grow up believing that a relationship with a man will be their main fulfilment in life. They wait to be chosen by men. Girls are not encouraged to be adventurous, or to see themselves as warriors and explorers. Instead they are encouraged to be cautious, clean and tidy and to wait for life to happen.

As women we often do not feel we are at the centre of our own experience, but rather that our experience of life is determined by our attachment to others. In our relationships we are taught to be submissive. We do not learn to assert our own needs. It is important to realise that submission is very different from consent, although the two may look similar. A woman who sticks with her husband in spite of his affairs with other women is probably submitting to this arrangement rather than consenting. To submit implies that we do not feel we have any real choice but go along with what others decide to do. When difficulties occur we are not used to taking action or standing up for ourselves and so we easily feel powerless and helpless: feelings which are a large part of the experience of depression.

'The strange thing on looking back is that I was a married woman. Why did my mind dwell so much on having something of my own to love? I should have known then that my marriage was lacking the things I needed and craved for. That marriage continued for a total of twenty-one years. At least sixteen years of it were spent feeling like a displaced person, with beatings when my husband was drunk and continually being thrown out of his house.' Chris

In reality we often do have little power but the stereotype of femininity seems to imply that we should be powerless. An overtly powerful woman is not usually seen as being a feminine one. She is seen as being like a man. This can result in great conflict. We do not want to lose our sense of being female but we also want to be strong. Sometimes the two seem incompatible. This may be why traditionally women have been seen as devious and manipulative. Some women learn to get what they want by indirect means because to have the power to ask directly is impossible.

To be feminine is to be concerned with clothes and make-up. Concern with appearance can be a form of creative self-expression, a form of play and a means of pleasure. However, so often we feel pressurised by the images of female beauty which we are presented with. Fashions change so often, even to the extent of whether women should have large, or small breasts. Many women see themselves as continually failing to live up to idealised images of how they should look.

'I can remember doubting whether I was a woman sometimes because I didn't have big breasts, for example. I thought, 'Maybe there's some doubt about this?'' Theresa

'The whole image of the female body, what is acceptable and what one has to do in terms of presentation to be acceptable is something which I feel I have bought into completely and even now find very difficult to reject. It's a thing which leaves me feeling uneasy. I often wonder why I dress the way I do. I do have reasons for it. I like colour, texture and shape. I like to be aesthetically pleasing. But I find it difficult to tease out how far I'm still very deeply affected by needing to present myself as an 'attractive' woman, meaning 'attractive' in all the stereotyped senses to the male.' Caroline

For those women who are more confident about looking good it can still be devastating to find that at certain times in their life they can no longer achieve the same image. Pregnant women can feel very self-conscious and unhappy about their changing shape. As our bodies change through growing older we may feel that we are losing something central to our identity as women. The idealisation of youth is something that particularly affects women. An older man with grey hair may be seen as attractive by virtue of his wisdom and experience. He may be seen as distinguished and dignified. When an older woman is considered glamorous it is usually by virtue of still looking young. The dyeing of grey hair, face lifts and so on are ways in which women desperately try to maintain the image of youthful femininity. Underneath this image may be feelings of despair, based on a lack of confidence about growing into a new view of oneself as a mature woman.

'One of the crucial things, for me was my image of myself and how I looked was an important part of that image. That affected me more because I'm female. Women are judged more by their looks than are men. I worry about what I want to look like, now that I'm in my forties. I'm afraid of looking ridiculous but I also don't want to look dull. There don't seem to be any attractive images of what a woman over forty should look like.' Margaret

The images of beauty prescribed by men, the media and by advertising are based on the notion of rarity. As with jewels, the most valued qualities are the least common. At least until recently the most favoured Anglo-Saxon image was of blonde hair and blue eyes. With qualities like these it is easy to spot the non-conformers. Black women who have lived for years in western society have had to put up with images of beauty which are completely alien to them. When their own looks are appreciated by white culture it is as 'exotic'; another example of the value given to the rare or unusual. Melba Wilson has discussed the effects of these stereotypes on black women.

'... the myths surrounding black women's sexuality are qualitively different from those assigned to white women. White women, for example, are sexy, black women are animals. White women are pretty; black women are exotic. White women are promiscuous; black women are sluts.

... It is equally important to point out that a great many black women do not require validation from white norms in order to see the beauty of our bodies. Many of us love, admire and are proud of the way we look. The stereotype is, after all, the problem of those who utilise it; we know who we are. That is not to say that we are unaffected by it.'

The images of beauty which all women live with are specifically designed so that they are unattainable for the vast majority of us. We are expected to be hairless, spotless and fatless. Again the paradox is that to be a 'real' woman is to wear make-up, false eye-lashes and to dye one's hair blonde; in other words to conform to a 'false' image of oneself.

Women who are considered beautiful in a conventional sense can feel very insecure as to whether people like them. With men they may wonder 'Does he like me for me or just for my looks?' With other women they may be afraid of envy. An identity based on living up to a certain image can feel fragile and easily threatened. If we achieve the ideal we can still feel empty inside. If we do not achieve it we feel a failure. In rejecting the ideal we have to live with the sense that society sees us as peculiar. All of these feelings can contribute to depression.

While worrying about our appearance can lead to depression it is also true that when we are depressed we tend to worry more about whether we have hairy legs, whether our complexion is spotless, whether we are too fat, or whether our shoulders are too broad. This can lead to a vicious spiral of escalating feelings of self-hate.

'When one of my teeth started to go, I felt I was falling apart. It was a natural everyday happening, but to me it had a different meaning. I went and hid for a couple of hours in the bathroom and thought, 'What am I going to tell people? - I may have to have a false tooth!'' Mqrgaret

To be feminine is to be silly. So often we preface our remarks with 'I know I'm being silly but...' We usually say this when we are about to talk about something which is really worrying us. We may have so often been told that we are silly or stupid that it is hard to take ourselves seriously. The fear that we will not be taken seriously can hold us back from talking about our feelings when we most need to do so. Not being able to talk about ourselves seriously makes us more vulnerable to depression.

To be feminine is to be emotional and to cry a lot. On the assumption that to have feelings is an important part of being alive, it is very strange that one half of the human race is supposed to have more feelings than the other half. This stereotype seems to mean that women are expected to show their feelings more than men. The types of feelings we are expected to show are vulnerable ones. We often cry when we want to get angry. We express our feelings in ways which seem weak rather than strong. But wbether we cry or shout, we are still liable to be labelled by men as 'hysterical' or 'over-emotional' or 'attention-seeking'. Paradoxically, to be a 'real woman' we are supposed to express feelings, but when we do so we are still likely to be put down either directly or by being ignored.

'At work I was scared that if I showed feelings, whether of tears or anger, I would be seen as the little inadequate woman who is not capable of doing anything - or alternatively as another negative version of woman - the virago - a sterile stereotype, sexless, neutered. I found it very difficult to tread between all those different stereotypes and come out with something which in the end I think is me and which is more or less accepted.' Sally

Jean Baker Miller, in her analysis of women's psychology, has suggested that women have become the 'carriers' for society of certain aspects of the total human experience. Feelings of weakness and dependency are a part of the experience of all human beings. We all have need for emotional connections with others. But women are traditionally more aware of this aspect of life than men and can protect men from the parts of themselves which seem 'weak'. As women we automatically satisfy men's emotional needs, often without them having to ask or even realise that they have such needs. In this way the myth is maintained that men are strong and women are weak.

It is frequently observed in psychiatric clinics that when a woman is referred with problems such as agoraphobia or depression, her husband may appear to have problems of his own. The woman is the one who expresses her vulnerability and sometimes seems to be expressing her husband's as well, enabling him to feel tough and in control. This type of relationship can maintain a woman's depression for years.