This book has been written for women who feel caught in power struggles, for those feeling powerless, those who worry that they are misusing their power and hurting others and those wanting to claim and express power with integrity.

When one person exerts power over another in order to get his or her own way, without due regard for that person's feelings, a power game is taking place. Power games rob us of our dignity and self respect and sap our joy in living. When used repeatedly power games can reduce the recipient to feeling incompetent, self-doubting and confused, in a word: powerless. The person misusing power may also eventually begin to suffer feelings of guilt, isolation and distress about the damage he or she is doing to important relationships.

Power games do not serve people or relationships well. Hence our desire to write a book to help women to address the issue of the hurtful power in their lives and encourage them to claim their personal power more fully. Personal power is generated from within by self-awareness, confidence and self-esteem. It is the respectful power we can use to stand up for our rights and have our say without harshly undermining others. We (the authors) believe that when we are standing in a position of personal power we are less likely to allow ourselves to be deliberately hurt and less inclined to feel the need to exert destructive power over others.

This book is designed to guide you through a process of clarifying the dynamics of the power struggles in your life, identifying the impact, reflecting on the underlying issues and making positive changes. In writing this book our goal has been to make it positive and uplifting, despite the fact that this subject can be 'heavy'. Power games and powerlessness are learned behaviours which we firmly believe can be changed if we are willing to commit to this. Above all else we wanted Power Games to be practical and solution focused. We have included dozens of anecdotes, insights, ideas and specific suggestions for moving away from hurtful power and finding an authentic sense of power within. At the end of many sections there are check lists or questions designed to help you to deepen your process by relating the information you have read directly to your own situation.

Women Helping Women

Fifty-five women shared their stories for the making of this book. Some are women who have used their power destructively against others. Some were subjected to power games by their partners, parents, siblings, children, neighbours and at work. All have suffered the pain of power struggles and have taken steps towards gaining personal power. The women vary in age, backgrounds, sexual orientation, culture, financial situation and personal circumstances. Names have been changed to protect their identity.

Their stories are stories of struggle, healing and personal triumph and are a tribute to the incredible strength and determination of the women who shared them. They are individual stories, yet so much of what they have been through is part of a universal experience that highlights women's resilience and courage and ability to heal our deepest hurts and move towards realising our potential.

Many of the women commented on how power games locked them into a place of secret shame, unable to find the help they needed to change. We hope the honesty in these stories provides the impetus for people being hurt, secrecy and shame serve no-one.

Our concern in producing a book which gives a public voice to women who have hurt others is that it will be used against women. We fear that these women's honesty will be hailed as 'proof' against the feminist analysis that much of the destructive behaviour by men against women is based on men's underlying belief that they have the right to assume power over women. I (Kay) know from my work as a co-facilitator of men's Living Without Violence programmes that sexist attitudes are at the heart of many men's abuse of their partners.

When you work in this field you repeatedly hear the argument that 'women can be abusive too'. We all know this is true but this statement conveniently ignores the fact that in the vast majority of cases it is women and children who suffer at the hands of males, rather than the reverse. The implication of 'equality' that is implicit in this argument denies the reality that men are usually physically stronger than women and that they generally hold more power economically.

In our experience, women's abuse usually does not come from a position of domination, strength and entitlement as men's power games often do. Rather it more often comes from a place of rebellion against oppression, reaction against feelings of powerlessness and/or outrage and pain caused by previous abuse. The experience of women interviewed for this book who acknowledged hurting others certainly supports this belief. Many had suffered abuse that left them deeply wounded. It was from this place of wounding that much of their destructive behaviour came.